Delusive Fate

#022

“The hemostasis is done. Please go over there.”

The sudden businesslike voice scattered my thoughts like a school of dispersing fish.

Huh, why did I have such an absurd, terribly awful delusion? I must be crazy. It seems I’ve injured my brain rather than my ear and shoulder.

I bowed my head hurriedly, like someone who had just woken from a nightmare with their eyes open.

“Thank… no, thank… no, thank you.”

After I stammered out a greeting in a somewhat stupid tone, the healer nodded indifferently and moved on to the next patient. I felt embarrassed.

I then received various treatments from the doctors. My teammates were also getting bandages and gauze applied here and there, and they all seemed unfazed by this level of injury, chattering about having dinner together or grabbing a beer. The passing recovery team leader heard this and sneered.

“As expected of the hunters! Truly amazingly brave. The courage to go straight to drinking after turning your bodies into rags like this! The boldness to treat inflammation and limb amputation as mere trifles! Wow, your valor is truly beyond human. You don’t seem human at all, everyone~ Hahaha!”

Although I wasn’t part of that conversation, I somehow felt like I was being mocked along with them and became solemn. As I stared blankly at my heavily bandaged shoulder, I heard whispering beside me.

“That woman really knows how to mock people. Is Lee Han-sol going to join us for a drink later?”

Before I could open my mouth, someone else answered for me from another direction.

“Hyung, the team leader hasn’t left yet. Do you want to get caught calling her ‘that woman’ and get scolded like last time? Anyway, have you ever seen Lee Han-sol hunter join the after-party? That person has honey waiting at home and needs to hurry back.”

“I know, I know. But shouldn’t we at least ask out of courtesy? We have the camaraderie of facing death together.”

“But doesn’t Han-sol oppa live in District A? It takes a long time to get there, and it’s already past 7. He might miss the last train at this rate.”

“Hee-ju, you said it well. Han-sol, please move closer. Why do you live in that faraway place? Your uncle thinks it’s not right. It’s like commuting from Busan to Seoul in the old days. You can’t even get emergency call allowances because you live so far. That money is not to be ignored.”

I looked at the people who were always kind to me and smiled awkwardly.

Even these people with whom I don’t have a deep relationship are still the same, but when I get home, Ki Baek-woo will greet me with a completely different look and expression from the past.

Or he might not greet me at all. In the short time I was at the gate, he might have become unwilling to even say hello.

It was foolish, but by then I was often gripped by such unhappy thoughts. I felt ugly for repeatedly indulging in futile self-pity. However, the direction of my thoughts was beyond control, making me feel stupid unexpectedly and constantly. Sometimes I even had the urge to smash my brain.

For example, just now, when I imagined Ki Baek-woo looking at Jung Yi-dam the healer with eyes overflowing with interest and affection instead of me. Rather than falling into such paranoid delusions, it might be better to crack my skull open.

I raised my head listlessly and mumbled hesitantly.

“I…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay, no need to apologize. Just leave your teammates behind and go off on your own as usual, Lee Han-sol hunter. Those good-looking ones always act so precious.”

“Ahahahaha! Yeah, that’s right! It’s the face value, the face value! Hahahahaha!”

“Hyung is the one with an attitude.”

“What the hell? Are you done talking? Hey, come here. I swear I’ll kill you.”

“Oppa. Don’t mind that stuff and just go quickly, quickly. You’ll miss the last train.”

After the raid ends and the gate closes, I always rush home. It was because I wanted to see Ki Baek-woo as soon as possible. It was also because I didn’t feel particularly close to any of my fellow hunters. Ki Baek-woo was all I needed in my world. But it’s strange.

Somehow, I felt like I was losing my bearings. The conflict grew worse as time passed. I wanted to go home right away, but I also wanted to stay here and hold out. The feeling that it might be okay to waste time aimlessly, mixed in with these busy and kind people…. I couldn’t even understand why I felt this way.

Was I afraid that Ki Baek-woo would be one step further away when I got home? Was that why I was scared?

Or was I lingering here in case Ki Baek-woo came looking for me? Was I thirsting for even a scrap of that kind of attention?

Either way, the underlying reason was utterly shameful.

I nodded vaguely while rubbing my shoulder, which was still throbbing with pain under the bandage. It felt awkward to say I didn’t want to go home at this point.

“…Okay, I’ll be going. Everyone worked hard today. Hee-ju, you worked hard too. Take good care of your wound so it doesn’t get worse. We can’t have scars.”

“You take good care too, oppa. Of all places to get hurt, you got injured on your face… If that face gets scarred, there’ll be a lot of people crying in this neighborhood.”

“No way… haha.”

Take care on your way home, Lee Han-sol hunter. Yes, see you next time. Don’t drink too much. Don’t nag, are you the team leader here? Haha, get home safely.

Leaving behind the noisy send-off, I bought a ticket for the public bus connecting District B and District A.

The last bus was about to arrive.

Looking out the window at the road beginning to darken, I thought about the fear that tormented me.

My fear is vulgar and selfish. I’m a coward unable to escape the past, persistently pathetic. It eats away at my mind to the point where it now makes me imagine strange things, like Ki Baek-woo being with Jung Yi-dam. To forget this tremendous fear, I sang a song earnestly in my heart.

“Kids, there’s a perfect song to sing when tomorrow seems bleak, you know?” That’s what Jae-i noona said when she taught me the song.

Somewhere over the rainbow… Where troubles melt like lemon drops….

I repeated the silent song over and over. Then, very naturally, as if it were only to be expected, I recalled the times when I would hum this song endlessly while holding hands with Ki Baek-woo, wandering through the desolate city after learning it.

Ki Baek-woo’s clear voice from those days, joining in as if he had been waiting for me to start singing. His laughter that burst out, tickling like downy feathers.

Ah, I really hate this.

I really came to hate myself for connecting everything to Ki Baek-woo. Maybe it was all my fault that he became like that, acting so pathetically clingy. Even I think I’m an idiot.

I truly, utterly hated myself for being afraid to go home, fearing that Ki Baek-woo wouldn’t say a single word to me even if I returned injured like this.

***

“Hyung, are you hurt?”

“Huh?”

“Isn’t your arm uncomfortable? Your movements look off.”

“Ah, it’s not that bad… I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. It’ll heal soon.”

“No, that’s not… Hah… Never mind, let me take a look.”

Ki Baek-woo shouldn’t have done that.

“You call this not serious?”

“I already got treatment…”

“That’s not the issue here. Why didn’t you say anything about this as soon as you got home?”

“Well… that’s just… you know, there was no need to worry…”

“You flinch in pain even when barely touched, and you say this isn’t something to worry about?”

He shouldn’t have noticed my injury first and pressed me like that.

“The bleeding has stopped, and I received treatment at the center. I’m fine.”

“Hyung.”

“No… I’m not just saying it, I really am fine…”

He shouldn’t have acted angry out of concern, not knowing what to do. He shouldn’t have acted like he used to. It’s all Ki Baek-woo’s fault.

“How badly are you hurt? Why? Your ear too, what’s this? This whole side looks like it was scraped by something sharp.”

“It’s just a bit of an accident during the raid… It happens, you know. I’m not the only one who got hurt…”

“Just because others got hurt, does that mean it’s okay for you to be injured too? Is that what you’re saying?”

After I got home, barely managing to wash up while whimpering and awkwardly preparing for bed, Ki Baek-woo suddenly acted like he used to, grabbing hold of me. It was something I really hadn’t expected at all.

When Ki Baek-woo’s hand touched my arm, at first my heart sank.

Why? What is he trying to say by doing this? He hasn’t been like this lately. Surely, surely… he’s not going to say he dislikes me now… No, that can’t be.

I was instantly overwhelmed with anxiety without even knowing why. The face of Ki Baek-woo that I turned to see while trembling like that was somehow familiar. I denied that there was something wrong with my eyes, but no matter how I looked at it, it was a face I missed. Because it was an expression like the original Ki Baek-woo, before he changed to become indifferent as if out of habit.

For a moment, I could only move my lips as if I had lost my voice.

“Things like this, hyung, you really need to tell me about things like this… If you don’t even tell me about this, I, I’m too…”

Ki Baek-woo, who had been furrowing his brow and anxiously biting his lip, sighed deeply and lowered his head. He sat down in front of me and repeatedly rubbed his face dry. As if he didn’t know what to say, he just exhaled heavily, making me feel a piercing ache.

He’s like the old Baek-woo…

With that thought, a rush of emotions and longing came over me, followed by all kinds of sorrows.

I felt like I was going to cry. It was a really strange feeling. It was a very unfamiliar emotion that I had never experienced before. No, I think I felt it once when I was very young.

Back in the safe, harmonious, and ordinary times.

When my parents, who had scolded me very sternly for doing something wrong, hugged me tightly a few hours later with faces full of regret.

We’re sorry, our son. You know mom and dad love you so much, right? We love you more than anything in the world. We’re sorry for scolding you. We did it because we love you so, so much. Han-sol, we love you.

My mother’s touch as she patted my back with an even more sorrowful expression than mine, hurt from being scolded. My father’s voice. I burst into tears then. An overwhelming emotion that couldn’t be defined by a single word – fading resentment, dissipating fear, swelling relief, and overflowing sorrow. All of these mixed together in an incredible feeling that welled up. I couldn’t hold back from crying.

It feels like that time.

Ki Baek-woo, sitting in front of me, sighing as he alternately looked at my bandaged shoulder, my stupid face, and the empty floor, made me feel that way. I felt like a child who didn’t know how to handle their emotions and was about to just cry.

I thought I should say something. But I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Baek-woo…”

As soon as I called his name, Ki Baek-woo’s head snapped up. His eyes were red.

“Hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Ki Baek-woo’s voice cracked. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Why are you sorry?”

“For everything. For how I’ve been acting. For… for not being myself.”

I didn’t know what to say. Ki Baek-woo continued, his words tumbling out.

“I’ve been so confused, hyung. I thought… I thought if I distanced myself, it would be better for both of us. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. Seeing you hurt like this… I realized how stupid I’ve been.”

He reached out and gently touched my bandaged shoulder.

“I never stopped caring about you, hyung. I was just… scared. Scared of how much I care. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend I don’t care when you’re hurting.”

I felt a lump in my throat. “Baek-woo, I…”

“Let me take care of you, hyung. Please. Like I used to. I want things to be like they were before.”

His eyes were pleading, filled with regret and hope. I felt tears welling up in my own eyes.

“Are you sure?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

Ki Baek-woo nodded emphatically. “I’ve never been more sure of anything. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it. Can you forgive me?”

I couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears I’d been fighting spilled over. Ki Baek-woo immediately pulled me into a gentle embrace, careful of my injuries.

“I’m here, hyung. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

As I cried into his shoulder, I felt a weight lifting from my heart. The fear and uncertainty that had plagued me for so long began to melt away. Ki Baek-woo was back – my Ki Baek-woo. And this time, I knew he was here to stay.