Just A Friend

#21

His gaze fixed once again on the pure white back. The water stream that had been flowing gently along the body’s curves merged into the prominent erector spinae muscles. Following the trajectory of the water with his eyes, he soon discovered a caterpillar where the line narrowed. It was the insect that had so terrified Nam Seonwoo. However, unlike the one on the floor, this insect was as transparent as a water droplet. As if it too had absorbed Nam Seonwoo’s color.

The black pupils moved, following the insect as it headed below the waist. By the time it reached the pelvis where the narrow line widened again, the dark gaze had unconsciously overtaken the insect.

“Ah, seriously, what are you doing! Just…!”

At the accusing voice, Kang Jihan raised his gaze and extended his finger beneath the caterpillar. As his fingertip touched, Nam Seonwoo’s body twitched, causing the other four fingers to curl, but the caterpillar climbed onto the index finger without issue.

“Did you get it off? You got it off, right? How did you do it, did you kill it?”

To Nam Seonwoo, who was asking questions with only his head turned back, Kang Jihan averted his gaze as if avoiding him. But Nam Seonwoo pressed his back even closer and asked.

“There aren’t any more, right? Just that one? Huh? Answer me-.”

“There aren’t any.”

Kang Jihan pushed him into the shower stall. Just as Nam Seonwoo, exhaling a sigh of relief, was about to say thank you, the door slammed shut. So he awkwardly offered his thanks to the closed door.

“Th-thanks.”

It seemed he was annoyed at being called for such a trivial matter. Nam Seonwoo scratched his cheek.

When he came out after washing himself once more because of the insect, Kang Jihan’s room had changed subtly somehow. As Nam Seonwoo played spot-the-difference with the room in his memory, he discovered that a chair had been added in front of the desk. It seemed like a petty measure to prevent him from getting on the bed.

‘Really now. It’s not even outdoor clothes today.’

Grumbling, he went out of the room and heard clattering sounds from the kitchen. Following the delicious smell, he found several side dishes on the dining table. But he could easily tell that these weren’t made by his mother.

“Sit down.”

Spam cut into irregular sizes, seaweed in disposable containers, and the fried egg that Kang Jihan had just put down. The familiar combination was what Nam Seonwoo used to make for himself at home.

“…Hey. I can make this too, you know.”

“You’re not going to eat?”

As Kang Jihan raised one eyebrow and moved to clear the dishes, Nam Seonwoo had no choice but to sit at the table. Still, the rice was delicious, perhaps not from instant rice. And it was a combination that couldn’t taste bad.

“Does it taste bad?”

Unlike meals with his mother, Nam Seonwoo was silently swallowing the food when Kang Jihan suddenly asked. Nam Seonwoo opened his eyes wide as if to say, “What are you talking about?”

“It’s delicious.”

He answered hastily, forgetting he had food in his mouth, afraid Kang Jihan might take away the dishes again. Fortunately, Kang Jihan didn’t take away the rice bowl. Instead, he refilled the empty fried egg plate.

‘Just how much does he plan to extort through tutoring…’

While eating obediently with a suspicious gaze, Nam Seonwoo recalled tomorrow’s exam subjects. He was worried about not having time to study because of tutoring Kang Jihan. But when he remembered the timetable filled with mathematics, his mind eased, and he swallowed a warm fried egg in one bite.

Kang Jihan even served ice cream for dessert. It was the discontinued ice cream they had eaten before. Feeling a bit drowsy after being full, Nam Seonwoo stood next to Kang Jihan as he did the dishes, sucking on the ice cream. Soon, a nagging comment flew in.

“Can’t you eat sitting down?”

“Don’t want to. I need to digest.”

“Then go to your room or something.”

“What would I do in there? It’s boring.”

“Aren’t you going to study?”

“What study? Didn’t you call me to go over tomorrow’s exam?”

Kang Jihan looked over as he took off his rubber gloves.

“It’s not that.”

Come to think of it, if it were math, Kang Jihan wouldn’t have much difficulty either. Nam Seonwoo asked, chewing on the candy hidden inside the ice cream.

“Then what? Don’t tell me you just wanted to study together?”

Then why did he make food? As he looked at him quizzically, Kang Jihan furrowed his brow and replied gruffly.

“…I had a problem I didn’t understand.”

Isn’t that the same thing? Swallowing his retort, Nam Seonwoo thought the problem would be math. Because tomorrow’s exam was math.

“No, why is it English again?”

But what Kang Jihan handed over when they returned to the room was, once again, English. Having received even a bribe, Nam Seonwoo couldn’t complain, so he read the English passage with a sigh.

“If you receive support and love from someone close when you’re young, neurons related to that grow. Like a seed. It’s planted like a seed.”

After reading each English sentence and immediately interpreting it, Kang Jihan followed along without difficulty.

“Those who have this find it easier to give and receive love, and are more likely to be happy as adults. Okay? So the answer is 4.”

When there was no response, Nam Seonwoo glanced at Kang Jihan, who was staring intently at the passage.

“Was my pronunciation too native for you to understand?”

Having been to America when he was young, Park Gyuhyeon would always grimace, saying Nam Seonwoo ‘rolled his tongue too much’ whenever he heard his pronunciation. So Nam Seonwoo thought Kang Jihan would say the same thing, but he pointed to the answer choices with the tip of his mechanical pencil and said,

“Then isn’t 2 also correct?”

Nam Seonwoo reread the question with his eyes. It asked to choose all the people who were less likely to be happy. And the number 2 that Kang Jihan pointed to was…

“No, look. Number 2 has the experience of being loved by their mother.”

“Only by their mother, though.”

The pencil lead lingered on ‘only’. Although it probably wasn’t Kang Jihan’s intention, many thoughts suddenly crossed Nam Seonwoo’s mind. And he felt he needed to prove that number 2 was definitely not the correct answer.

“What does the number of people matter? Look at the passage again. It doesn’t say anything like that.”

Your mother loved you enough. So why did you choose number 2?

“And it also says it doesn’t have to be parents. ‘It includes long-time friends, colleagues, teachers, or lovers.’ But number 2 also has friends. So it can’t be the answer.”

And I’m here as your friend, right? Such words welled up. As he explained, underlining so hard that it left marks on the passage, Kang Jihan’s voice returned after a moment of silence.

“The prerequisite is ‘when young’.”

Nam Seonwoo looked up and met Kang Jihan’s gaze.

“Aren’t you too big now?”

It wasn’t clear whether he was talking about the example in choice 2 or about Kang Jihan himself. But Nam Seonwoo could answer with certainty.

“You’re still plenty young now.”

He meant it. In reality, the current Kang Jihan was young. And even if he wasn’t young, the answer wouldn’t have changed. Because this passage was just one person’s opinion.

Their gazes locked for a long time. Like they were having a staring contest, neither turned away. At the end of the long silence, Kang Jihan spoke first.

“You have five?”

It took a few seconds to understand the meaning. Nam Seonwoo looked at the passage again. The examples of ‘close people’ in the passage were parents, friends, teachers, and lovers.

“Why five? It’s four.”

Two parents, and no lover, so four was correct. After crossing out the word meaning lover, Kang Jihan tilted his head slightly.

“What about your girlfriend?”

“I’ve never even dated a girl, what girlfriend?”

At this nonsensical response, Nam Seonwoo’s head tilted even more. In his life, there was no such thing as a girlfriend, nor could there be. No, if it wasn’t for Kang Jihan, he had never even felt romantic emotions.

They looked at each other with questioning gazes. Thinking that Park Gyuhyeon might have said something unnecessary, Nam Seonwoo waved his hand with a dry laugh.

“Of course, this hyung was quite popular in middle school, but…”

“You said you had a long-term lover.”

Kang Jihan uncharacteristically interrupted.

“Was the lover you dated… a man?”

Nam Seonwoo, dumbfounded, couldn’t say anything. He almost blurted out, “How did you know that?” but fortunately, he didn’t.

He slowly turned his thoughts. Park Gyuhyeon was someone who might exaggerate a bit but didn’t lie. So he probably hadn’t heard anything from Park Gyuhyeon. His gaze unconsciously turned upward, recalling the white ceiling and the time he had once lain on Kang Jihan’s bed.

‘No way.’

The fact that he talked a lot in his sleep was something his ex-lover, Kang Jihan, had told him. It seemed he had said something while half-asleep. But fortunately, sleep-talking is usually dismissed as nonsense.

“…What nonsense are you talking about?”

Hoping Kang Jihan would take it that way too, Nam Seonwoo feigned disgust and tried to deflect.

It was after becoming an adult that Kang Jihan had accepted his confession. The current Kang Jihan, like any ordinary nineteen-year-old, could hate ‘this kind of thing’. The hand holding the mechanical pencil trembled slightly. Nam Seonwoo, keeping his gaze fixed on the workbook, moved on to the next problem.

“You got this wrong too. Why are you so bad at English?”

His playfully sarcastic face should appear to dismiss Kang Jihan’s words as nonsense. No, it needed to appear that way. Although the gaze on him made his cheeks particularly hot, he pretended not to notice.

“I don’t know. It’s difficult.”

At the response that seemed to brush it off casually, Nam Seonwoo secretly felt relieved inside.