Lost

“What did you do at home?”“I slept.”“You said you couldn’t sleep because the messages kept coming.”Even as I slowed my pace, walking more leisurely, Jung Woojin continued walking behind me.“There were only three.”“And you came all the way there to find me because of those three?”“I didn’t go to find you.”“Sure you didn’t. I must’ve been mistaken when I saw you walking with your face glued to your phone, GPS turned on.”“…”“And when you said you had things to talk about and sort out, less than an hour ago, I must’ve misheard that too.”At my sarcastic tone, Jung Woojin fell silent. He stayed quiet for so long after that, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was absurd.I have no idea what we’re doing right now.I know Jung Woojin isn’t in his right mind. I know that what he’s saying right now isn’t his true feelings. When his memory comes back, he’ll cry and apologize like he always does. But if his memory doesn’t return, everything he’s saying right now will become the truth. It’ll all be real.When I got to that thought, everything in front of me went dark again. I stopped walking, and when I did, Jung Woojin, who had been following me, stopped as well. Even after standing there for a long time, he said nothing.I had no idea what kind of expression he was making as he looked at my back. Does he really not remember anything? Does he not know my name or remember that we lived together? I guess so. He wouldn’t be telling me to leave or getting irritated when I touch him otherwise.I gathered all my strength to pull myself together and started walking again. The way home felt so far away. It wasn’t actually that far, but no matter how much I walked, I couldn’t see the end.I had thought that when I met Jung Woojin, I’d punch him to force his memory back. That I’d slap his irritating face, curse him out, and make him regain his lost memories. But when I saw his face, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even curse at him, let alone hit him.I kept telling myself that Jung Woojin wasn’t in his right mind, that it was because of that, but deep down, I knew better. Jung Woojin was perfectly sane. Whether he had lost his memory or not, Jung Woojin was still Jung Woojin, and everything he was saying and doing right now was genuine.I knew that, yet over and over again…It felt like Jung Woojin was dead.“How far are we going?”I snapped back to my senses, as if waking up from a nightmare, while walking down a dark, cliffside path. Startled, I shook off the hand gripping my wrist and turned around. Slowly, my surroundings started to come into focus, and I saw Jung Woojin standing there, staring down at his hand.“I was lost in thought for a moment, didn’t hear you.”“…”“What did you say?”“I asked how far we’re going.”Jung Woojin, who had been staring blankly at his hand, raised his eyes to look at me. His gaze, glowing coldly like an animal’s, unsettled me. I glanced around, trying to figure out how far we had walked, and realized we’d already passed the house.“When did we get here?”“What were you thinking about so deeply?”“I’m just tired, I guess… I’m all over the place.”At some point, sweat had drenched my forehead. I clenched my trembling fists and touched the back of my neck as I turned back to retrace my steps. Once again, Jung Woojin followed behind me.“Why are you so tired?”“Why are you so curious all of a sudden?”I sighed and glanced back, only for Jung Woojin to answer with an expressionless face.“I guess it’s because I don’t remember anything.”“You’re curious why I’m tired just because you can’t remember anything? Why don’t you start by being curious about my name?”“I did ask, and you wouldn’t tell me.”“You’re calling me ‘you’ now?”“Should I go back to calling you ‘sir’?”“…”I stared at him in disbelief. Just a while ago, he was acting fine, so why was he suddenly behaving like an angry beast?“What did you eat to start acting like this? Why are you throwing a fit?”“You should watch where you’re going.”“What?”“Stop staggering like a sick chicken and walk straight.”“…”Has he lost his mind? I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t even respond. When I just stood there staring, Jung Woojin, no longer even bothering to hide his irritation, snapped at me.“Walk.”“What?”“Move. Aren’t we going home?”“…”At this point, I was almost impressed. A grumpy, swearing, and irritated Jung Woojin, not even crying. If I told him to call me by my name right now, he’d probably do it with a straight face, no problem. And come to think of it, earlier, when he got that woman’s business card, he didn’t even react.I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or a bad thing anymore.Frowning, I slowly started walking again, and once more, Jung Woojin followed me. When we finally arrived, I punched in the passcode and stepped into the house. I was about to take off my shoes when I froze.“…”“What’s wrong?”“Did someone come by the house?”“No.”“…”It had only been a day, but the house was a mess. Clothes were strewn across the living room floor, like someone had tried to organize them. Cups and medicine packets were scattered everywhere, and to top it all off, the vase that had been on the table was smashed to pieces.“What’s with the state of the house?”“What do you mean?”“Why is it such a disaster?”“How should I know?”“What did you do at home?”“I slept.”“You said you couldn’t sleep because I kept texting you.”I slowed down my pace, walking slower, but Jung Woojin still trailed behind me.“It was only three messages.”“And you came all the way out there just because of those three?”“I didn’t go there to find you.”“Sure, I must’ve imagined seeing you with your face buried in your phone, walking with GPS on.”“……”“Not even an hour ago, you said you came because you had something to say and things to sort out. I must’ve misheard that too.”As I spoke sarcastically, Jung Woojin fell silent. He stayed quiet for a long time afterward, which was both amusing and frustrating.I have no idea what we’re doing right now.I know Jung Woojin isn’t in his right mind. I also know that what he’s saying now isn’t how he really feels. When his memory comes back, like always, he’ll cry and apologize. But if his memory doesn’t return, everything he’s said will become the truth. It’ll all be real.That thought made my vision go dark again. I stopped walking, and Jung Woojin, who had been following behind me, also came to a halt. We stood there for a long time, but Jung Woojin didn’t say anything.I had no idea what kind of expression he had as he looked at my back. Does he really remember nothing? Does he not remember my name, or that we lived together? I guess not. He probably doesn’t, which is why he told me to leave and got annoyed when I touched him.Summoning all the strength I had left, I started walking again. The way home felt long. It wasn’t far, but no matter how much I walked, the end wasn’t in sight.When I first saw Jung Woojin, I thought I’d knock him out to make him remember. I wanted to punch that annoying face of his, yell at him, and force him to regain his lost memories. But when I saw his face, I couldn’t do anything. Forget hitting him—I couldn’t even curse at him.I kept telling myself that he wasn’t in his right mind, but I knew from the start that wasn’t true. Jung Woojin was completely sane. Whether he lost his memory or not, Jung Woojin was still Jung Woojin, and everything he was saying and doing now was his true feelings.Even though I knew, over and over again…It felt like Jung Woojin had died.“How far are we going?”As I walked down the dark, winding path of my thoughts, I suddenly snapped back to reality. Startled, I shook off the hand holding my wrist and turned around. Slowly, my surroundings started to come into focus. I saw Jung Woojin looking down at his hand.“I didn’t hear you because I was lost in thought.”“……”“What did you say?”“I asked, how far are we going?”Jung Woojin, who had been blankly staring at his hand, lifted his gaze to meet mine. His eyes gleamed like a wild animal’s. I looked at his startled face, then glanced around. At some point, we’d walked past the house.“When did we get here?”“What were you thinking about so much?”“I’m just tired… My mind’s all over the place.”My forehead was soaked with sweat. When did that happen? I clenched my trembling hand into a fist, then wiped the back of my neck as I turned to go back. Once again, Jung Woojin followed behind me.“Why are you so tired?”“Why do you have so many questions all of a sudden?”When I sighed and turned around, Jung Woojin spoke with a blank expression.“Because I don’t remember anything.”“You don’t remember anything, so you’re curious why I’m tired? How about you start by being curious about my name?”“I asked you, but you didn’t tell me.”“Did you just say you?”“Should I go back to calling you ‘sir’?”“……”I stared at Jung Woojin, baffled by his sharp tone. He’d been fine just moments ago—why had he suddenly turned savage like a wild animal?“What’s gotten into you? Why the sudden attitude?”“Why don’t you watch where you’re going instead of staggering like a sick chicken?”“What?”“Walk properly.”“……”Has he lost his mind? I was so shocked I couldn’t even respond. As I stood there staring, Jung Woojin, now not even bothering to hide his frustration, snapped again.“Walk.”“What?”“Move. Aren’t you going home?”“……”At this point, it was almost refreshing. Jung Woojin snapping at me without crying or using formal speech—maybe if I asked him to say my name right now, he’d do it without a second thought. Then again, earlier, he just stood there quietly when that woman handed me her business card.I couldn’t tell if this was good or bad anymore.I frowned but eventually started walking again, and Jung Woojin resumed following me. When we got home, I punched in the passcode and walked in, only to stop as I bent down to take off my shoes.“……”“What’s wrong?”“……Did someone come over?”“No.”“……”It had only been a day, but the place was a wreck. It looked like someone had tried to organize clothes, but they were scattered all over the living room floor. Cups and medicine bags were tossed around haphazardly, and to top it all off, the vase on the table was shattered into pieces.“What happened to this place?”“What about it?”“I’m asking why the place is such a mess.”“How should I know?”“Why the hell aren’t you answering? Did your lips get glued shut?”I sighed in frustration, cursing under my breath, which finally made Jung Woojin lift his head.“Why are you cursing?” he asked.“Because you’re acting so frustrating.”“Do you curse when you’re frustrated?”“And you, didn’t you beat someone with a brick just because you got startled? So why can’t I curse?”Jung Woojin looked at me, utterly incredulous.“I didn’t hit them with a brick.”“Whether it was a brick or you kicked their head like a soccer ball, it’s the same thing. How is it that you haven’t changed at all, even after losing your memory? How many times have I told you to at least ask me before you hit someone?”As I remembered something I had briefly forgotten, my anger began to rise. I let it slide earlier because it was too absurd, but seriously, is this guy insane? Who the hell thinks it’s okay to hit someone with a brick? The more I thought about it, the more hopeless he seemed.“They kept pissing me off,” Jung Woojin muttered.“Who? That guy from earlier? What did he even do to you? And didn’t you say you did it because you were startled?”“You said we were dating,” he shot back.“What? Who’s dating? Me and that guy?” I asked, eyes widening in shock. Jung Woojin clenched his teeth.“No, damn it. Us.”“…”“We were dating, weren’t we?”I noticed how tightly he was gripping his chopsticks, his knuckles turning white. I watched with a mix of bewilderment and irritation as I finally responded.“And? How does that justify you beating someone like a dog?”“Can’t I hit someone?”“What?”“If we were dating, why didn’t you take my side instead of siding with that bastard?”“…”I put down my chopsticks and covered my mouth with my hand. It wasn’t to suppress laughter this time, but because I was genuinely stunned. Hearing him curse earlier and now calling someone a “bastard”—I didn’t know how to react. I mean, sure, he could swear, but hearing it from him felt so foreign. I had heard him swear a few times before, but it still didn’t seem right.“Were we really dating?”Jung Woojin, who had been watching me silently, tilted his head and asked again. I nodded a couple of times, which only seemed to fuel his resentment.“So why did you leave your amnesiac boyfriend and go to a hotel?”“What?”I was so blindsided by his question that I just stared at him, dumbfounded, as he continued.“You went there twice, didn’t you? Why did you leave and then go back? Why didn’t you sleep or eat there? And earlier, at the—”“Hold on.”My head started to hurt, so I raised my hand to stop him. Jung Woojin, who had been ranting, finally went silent, though he still looked like he might explode any second.“Hotels… Jung Woojin, a hotel is… goddamn it. It’s just a place to sleep,” I explained, exasperated.“You didn’t sleep, though.”“No, I mean, it’s a place to stay for the night. Damn, this is driving me nuts.”I couldn’t even continue speaking because it was so ridiculous. I was laughing because this whole situation was so absurd. I mean, this was typical of Jung Woojin, but how is it possible for someone to not change at all, even after losing their memory?“You told me to leave,” he shot back.“This is your house, though. Why would you leave just because I told you to?”“So, you left your crazy boyfriend and went to a hotel?”“Wow, seriously, you…”I thought I’d seen everything after living with him for three years, but I guess not. I let out a sigh as I voiced what had been bothering me.“So, what you’re saying is you thought I left you to go do something at the hotel, right?”“Did you?”“…”His dark eyes were filled with mixed emotions—hurt, anger, confusion. It was all there, and it left me speechless. The situation felt so familiar that it was shocking. It almost made me question whether Jung Woojin had really lost his memory at all. How could someone remain so unchanged?Just a little while ago, I was terrified, thinking that I’d lost him for good. Now, I felt like an idiot for worrying.“So, you tracked me down with GPS because you thought I might be doing something shady at the hotel?”“And is that wrong?”“Then why did you tell me to leave in the first place?”“I don’t remember.”“Even though you don’t remember, why did you still come after me?”Jung Woojin opened his mouth to speak but bit his lip instead. He took a deep breath as if to calm down, then repeated like a parrot.“So, what did you do at the hotel? Why do you keep avoiding the question?”“I stayed up all night. Alone.”I sighed and muttered, finally answering him. His anger noticeably cooled, but he still looked like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off at any moment.“Why?”“If your amnesiac boyfriend kicked you out of his house, would you be able to sleep?”“I didn’t throw a fit. I just told you to leave, and you actually left.”“Since when did you only say one thing?”“Why did you go a second time?”I was about to explain again, but I sighed instead and let it go.“Should I write a diary about what I did out there?”“What did you buy at the convenience store?”“I left the hotel to go home, but my head hurt, so I stopped by a convenience store to get medicine and water. I was so exhausted that I went back to the hotel. I took three pills and lay down until I felt a bit better, then left. Satisfied?”“……”Even after I explained, Jung Woojin still looked at me with distrust, but at least he wasn’t pouncing on me like a mad dog anymore. Tired, I sighed and looked at the forgotten ramen. It had already swollen up, and the broth had almost evaporated. My appetite was gone, so I stood up, and Jung Woojin followed me.“You’re tired. Let’s sleep for a bit and then talk.”“Talk about what?”“Whatever.”“Shall we sort things out?”“You’re the one who suggested it.”“So are you going to do it?”I slouched my shoulders and headed to the room. Jung Woojin followed closely behind, pestering me with questions the entire way. Just like he had done earlier, I threw off my clothes layer by layer as I entered the room, and I noticed the neatly folded blanket had fallen to the floor.The room was a mess, no different from the living room. The blanket and pillows were on the floor, and the lamp on the nightstand was smashed and shoved into a corner.Incredible, truly. I muttered inwardly as I scanned the room, shaking my head before heading to the bathroom. As I showered under the hot water, my body relaxed. It wasn’t until then that I realized I had scraped my palm when I’d fallen earlier.After finishing my shower, I slipped on a robe and opened the door to leave, only to bump into Jung Woojin standing there. He was unbelievably calm, just like always.“What are you doing here?”“I have something to ask.”“What do you want to ask?”At my question, Jung Woojin closed his mouth. He was clearly trying to think of what to ask, judging by the way his eyes shifted. As always, I waited for a moment until he finally spoke.“Am I usually like this?”“What?”I expected some nonsensical question, but it wasn’t. For the first time, it felt like he was asking something productive, though I didn’t understand the meaning.“Like what?”“Am I normally… this strange?”“……”Even he didn’t seem to know what he was saying. But there was no way I could understand what he meant either.“Was I like this before I lost my memory?”“If you’re asking if you were like you are now… you were even worse.”I answered reluctantly, and Jung Woojin frowned.“Is this normal?”“…It’s not normal.”“This is practically mental illness.”I was momentarily speechless, moved by his shocking self-awareness. I almost wanted to applaud him. To realize his behavior was at the level of a mental illness only after losing his memory—what a revelation.“Why are you like this?”I snapped back to reality, looking at Jung Woojin with admiration. He seemed confused, and I instinctively reached out to him but hesitated, afraid he’d tell me not to touch him again. I lowered my hand and spoke instead.“It’s fine. Everyone goes a little crazy sometimes.”“Is it jealousy?”“It would be nice if it was just that…”I had meant to reassure him, but I couldn’t bring myself to deny it when he mentioned jealousy. My conscience wouldn’t allow it.“I can’t even remember who you are, but just thinking about you with someone else makes me sick. I can’t stand it.”“So that’s why you came?”“Why did you brush off my hand earlier?”“Me?”“No, earlier, when we were coming home. Why did you do that? It hurt so much to hold back from grabbing your wrist again that my jaw still aches. That’s not normal, right? I was shocked when you kept walking past the house. If you hadn’t come home, I might’ve lost it.”Even though he was speaking seriously about how strange he felt, he didn’t seem all that odd to me. This was just how Jung Woojin was. The fact that he found it surprising was what felt strange. More than that, it was funny that he didn’t seem to realize his own actions while blaming others.“Don’t you remember what you did?”“What did I do?”“You’re the one who shook off my hand first.”“I don’t like being touched.”“But you said you don’t remember anything. How do you remember that?”When I asked incredulously, Jung Woojin thought for a moment and shrugged. His casual response made me momentarily angry, but I sighed and continued speaking.“Anyway, you did it first.”Of course, I hadn’t done it out of spite but simply because I was caught off guard while thinking about something else. Still, there was no need to explain that. Jung Woojin, looking indignant, replied.“How could I know when I don’t remember? If a stranger touches me, am I just supposed to stay still?”“No, you did well. Keep doing that.”Maybe it was for the best. I figured it was better than him acting like a clueless fool despite his memory loss. But something about my response still didn’t sit right with Jung Woojin.“Keep doing that?”“Yeah, keep… But can we just sleep for now? I haven’t slept at all.”Jung Woojin was about to say something in response but then closed his mouth. He looked like a dejected puppy, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t endure any longer. Grabbing him, I dragged my feet to the bed and sat down. I picked up the blanket and pillow that had fallen to the floor and put them back in place, laying Jung Woojin down. He lay there stiff as a board, staring at me, but I turned my back on him to switch off the lights and dragged my feet once more.Having just showered, my body felt impossibly heavy. After turning off the lights and sighing, I turned back to see Jung Woojin standing right behind me.“What are you doing?”“Where are you going?”“The lights… Oh, please, let’s just sleep.”I spoke almost in desperation, grabbed him again, and laid him down on the bed. I lay down beside him and pulled the blanket over us, and sleep started to overwhelm me like a flood.“How did we first meet?”We met at the orphanage. But if I said that, Jung Woojin would obviously ask if we were orphans. I didn’t want to answer because one thing would lead to another, and we’d end up in an endless loop of questions. It wasn’t something I wanted to hide, but I wished we could just sleep and talk about it tomorrow.“Woojin.”Wondering how to get him to shut up and sleep, I quietly called his name. I could feel his body stiffen again, likely from how close we were under the same blanket. Every little movement was clear to me. I lifted my heavy eyelids and saw the dark ceiling.“Do you want me to rape you?”“…What?”“Do you want me to drug you so you can’t tell night from day, not knowing if you’re sleeping or awake, eating while being raped? For a whole week straight? Maybe that’ll jog your memory.”When I turned my head, even in the darkness, I could see Jung Woojin’s face frozen in shock. He looked at me, wide-eyed, not even breathing. His horrified face stayed that way as he finally answered.“Okay.”“What?”“I’ll do it.”“When someone asks you that, you’re supposed to say no, you idiot.”What kind of moron is this? I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity, and Jung Woojin asked.“Did I rape you?”“And locked me up too.”“Should I be locked up too, then?”“Yeah, let’s sleep first, and we’ll figure it out tomorrow.”I mumbled as I tossed and turned, too tired to even keep my eyes open. Just as I was about to fall asleep, a thought occurred to me, and I asked.“But if you agree to it, it’s not rape, is it?”“If you’re going to do it no matter what, I’ll refuse. So I’ll say no.”“Then, from the start…”I wasn’t even sure if I was making sense anymore. I mumbled something, not even forming words, my lips barely moving. Jung Woojin asked again.“Why did I do it?”“….”“Why did I?”“I don’t know, maybe you hated me…”“How could I hate you?”Jung Woojin was saying something, but I couldn’t understand it anymore. At this point, even if he hit me, I wouldn’t have been able to register it.“How could I hate you?”I felt like I was sinking into a deep abyss.＊ ＊ ＊What would have happened if I hadn’t found you, Sunbae?What?If I hadn’t found you after leaving the orphanage?You’d have lived well enough on your own.Yeah, maybe.…?Maybe after some time, I’d have forgotten about you. Life is unpredictable. I’d have just thought of you sometimes, missed you when I wanted to, and struggled. I’d have convinced myself that you wouldn’t even remember me, hated you enough to dream of strangling you, then missed you again. I’d have lived like that.Why are you suddenly saying this?Would that have been better?Did you have another crappy dream?What do you think would’ve happened if we had stayed strangers? Graduated school, found jobs, met other people, fell in love, got married, had kids…If you hate the idea so much, why are you imagining it? Why are you trembling over something that never happened?If you could go back in time, you wouldn’t have followed me, right?What, when? When you offered to buy me food?Yeah.Why would I go back to that? If anything, I’d go back further to our childhood.If I could go back, I’d treat you better.How?I wouldn’t make you mad, wouldn’t do things you hated. I’d just listen to whatever you said. Then, at least, you wouldn’t have hated me.＊ ＊ ＊I gasped awake, taking in a sharp breath. I blinked several times, but my eyes couldn’t focus. Eventually, I squeezed them shut, breathing heavily. In the silence, I could still hear Jung Woojin’s voice, laughing, from long ago, echoing like a hallucination.When did we have that conversation? It had been a long time ago, just after we started living together, so I had completely forgotten. What did I say after that?I exhaled and opened my eyes again, my vision slowly returning. I turned my head to see a pale face right in front of me. His long black lashes quivered slightly before settling again. He slept as if he were dead. I watched him quietly for a moment before slowly sitting up.Thirsty, I carefully lifted the blanket and got out of bed. I went to the kitchen, making sure not to make a sound, and drank some cold water, which helped me clear my mind a little. Just a few minutes ago, the dream had been so vivid, but now, as I tried to recall it, it became blurry.What was it about again? How did that conversation even start? Why did I suddenly dream of something like that? Maybe it was because I had been having negative thoughts for the past few days that even my dreams had become unsettling.I leaned against the table, took a few deep breaths, and tilted my head back. Even after thinking about it for a while, I couldn’t remember clearly, so I gave up and looked at the clock. I thought I had woken up late because I couldn’t sleep well, but I hadn’t expected it to be past four in the afternoon.How long did I sleep for? I set the cup down and walked out into the living room. Suddenly, I remembered something and quickly searched for my phone. I picked up the clothes scattered on the floor and found my phone. Sure enough, I had three missed calls.I called back immediately, and after a few rings, a voice came through the phone.“Seoju?”“Yes, are you in Korea? I’m sorry for not getting back to you sooner.”“Did you just wake up?”“Yes, I’ve been having trouble sleeping for a few days…”“Then you probably haven’t eaten anything yet. I’m on my way home, so get ready and come down with Woojin.”I couldn’t respond right away, just opening and closing my mouth as I turned to look at the room where Jung Woojin was still sleeping. After a pause, I answered.“Okay, I’ll do that.”“Alright, see you later.”I hung up the phone after giving a small reply. As I stared at the blank screen for a while, I remembered what Jung Woojin had said.“What would have happened if we hadn’t found each other?”Even though it was dead silent, my ears buzzed with noise. I frowned at the busy, indistinct sounds in my head and went to the room. Jung Woojin was still sleeping like the dead.I sat by his bedside, quietly watching him.If my mother knew that Jung Woojin didn’t remember me, she would probably be happy. No, she would definitely be happy. It would be as if the root cause of his mental illness had disappeared. She would think it was a good thing.Would it be good for Woojin too? He would no longer feel anxious and could live like a normal person, just like everyone else. Although he was still the same Woojin, not remembering the past meant this wouldn’t last long.Even if I disappeared right now, the version of me that Woojin remembered would only last a day or two. There wouldn’t be years of him missing me like when we were kids, or days of him hating, missing, and then killing me in his dreams only to cry out of regret afterward.“…”I don’t know how hard it is for Woojin to live. I’m with him all the time, but as long as I’m not him, no one can truly know how difficult it is. Even though I love him, just thinking about how exhausting and tiring it must be to live every day unable to stay still from anxiety made this seem like a blessing in disguise.In the hotel, I was just anxious, frustrated, angry, and distrustful, but after eating and sleeping, my mind had started working again. This was a clear chance for Woojin to live like a normal person.I wasn’t the only one who thought this way. Anyone who knew Woojin’s situation would think the same. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how serious this situation was. If I took Woojin out now, the outcome would already be decided.My mind started to cool down. I jumped up, causing the mattress to shift. Woojin, who had been sleeping like the dead, stirred and opened his eyes. Still half-asleep, he blinked a few times before pulling the blanket over his head again.Watching him, I hurried out of the room and went to the study. I knew it was here somewhere. I rummaged through the desk and finally found handcuffs at the bottom of the drawer. With them in hand, I went back to the bedroom. The blanket lump on the bed remained motionless, as if Woojin had fallen back asleep. Without even thinking about trying to be sneaky, I lifted the blanket and saw Woojin frown in his sleep.I cuffed his limp wrist and attached the other side to the bed frame. The clicking sound of the metal finally caused Woojin to wake up. He stirred a few times, the handcuffs clinking with each movement, until he realized something was wrong. He blinked sleepily at his wrist before turning to look at me.“I’m just stepping out for a bit. Keep sleeping.”“…You’re going out?”“I’ll be back soon.”I quickly changed out of my robe and put on the clothes I had left on the floor yesterday. Woojin, still dazed, moved his hand again.“What is this?”“I’ll be back soon. Just stay like this for a while.”As I looked at his still-dazed face, I found a hat and pulled it down low over my head. Even while I was talking, my mind was in chaos. I had to hold out, at least until Woojin’s memory came back. If things stayed like this for a few more days, it would be dangerous to stay at home.How much cash do I have on hand? No, more importantly, what should I say later? Should I just tell them Woojin was too tired to come with me? Luckily, this sort of thing had happened a few times before, so they wouldn’t find it too strange. The problem was that given the situation, my mother might lose patience and insist on seeing Woojin herself.“Where’s your phone?”“Huh?”“Where’s your phone?”“In my coat pocket…”I quickly went to the kitchen and found Woojin’s coat lying on the chair. I rummaged through the pockets and found his phone, which had run out of battery. What should I do with it? After thinking for a moment, I took it upstairs and shoved it into a drawer in an unused room. I then rushed back downstairs, hesitating.No one would hear anything if Woojin screamed. The soundproofing and security were good enough that even if he yelled or made a fuss, no one would come inside.“Seriously…”I suddenly stopped in my tracks, wondering what on earth I was doing. But I didn’t have the luxury to dwell on such thoughts for too long. I had to meet my mother. I had to lie to her with a straight face, without any hesitation.Woojin’s been sleeping deeply for the first time in a while. I couldn’t wake him, so I came alone.He suddenly spiked a fever this morning, so I told him to rest. He said he’d visit once he feels better.While I was in the shower, he slipped out. He said he has something to take care of and would be back late.I came up with several lies, but none of them sounded convincing. Should I just not go at all? There had been a few times when Woojin suddenly didn’t feel like going out, and we’d canceled plans. So if I did that today, they might not think much of it. But then again, which parent would stay calm after their son had an accident and lost his memory?I clutched my head, desperately trying to come up with an excuse, when I heard a noise from the room. When I went to check, Jung Woojin was moving his cuffed hands.“What’s wrong?”“Where are you going?”“I need to go out for a bit.”“Where did these come from? Are you a cop or something?”I stared blankly at him for a moment before shaking my head.“No, they’re yours.”“What’s mine? The handcuffs?”“You’ve got handcuffs, shackles, all sorts of things. I just grabbed the handcuffs because I couldn’t find anything else, but I’ll look for the others later.”Jung Woojin gave me a puzzled look, clearly not believing what I was saying.“Where exactly are you going?”“I told you, I have some errands to run.”“What kind of errand involves cuffing a sleeping person and leaving?”“…….”He was right, a hundred, a thousand times over. If I had a little more time to think, maybe I could have acted more naturally. But then again, there’s no natural way to lock someone up.“Just take them off.”“Didn’t you say it’d be fine if you were locked up?”“That was…”At that moment, my phone started vibrating in my pocket. Wait, already? I pulled it out, biting my lip as I glanced at the screen. Not even 30 minutes had passed, but here it was, buzzing again. I stared at it for a few more rings, and just as I was about to answer, Jung Woojin spoke.“About what I said yesterday…”I raised my hand to shush him, and he stopped mid-sentence. His face was full of dissatisfaction, but I turned away and answered the call.“Hello?”“Seoju?”“Yes.”I replied nervously, turning my back to him. I stepped out of the room and started to close the door when I saw Jung Woojin trying to get up from the bed, though he couldn’t move much due to the cuffs.“Is there anything you’d like to eat?”“What?”“For dinner.”“Dinner, right…”I let out a sigh of relief internally. As I stood by the door, I noticed that it had a triple locking mechanism from the outside. While closing it, Jung Woojin suddenly shouted, “Wait!”“Anything’s fine, really. Just something Woojin likes…”At that moment, despite the soundproofing, a loud bang came from inside the room. I paused, pulling the phone away from my ear to listen. The noise repeated, louder this time.“Seoju?”“…….”Bang! Bang! Bang! The sound echoed multiple times before stopping, followed by a crack, as if something had broken. My mind raced with panic. I hastily ended the call, and the door I had locked three times shook violently with a loud thud.“Open the door.”“…….”The sound of his voice sent a cold sweat down my back. How was he pounding on the door? I cuffed him; how did he even manage to get this far? As I stood frozen, not responding, I heard a softer, tapping sound, like fingers lightly drumming against the door.“Aren’t you going to open it?”“…….”The steady rhythm of the tapping was like the ticking of a time bomb. Before I even realized what I was doing, I unlocked the door. With a click, the final lock gave way, and the door slowly creaked open. I looked up to meet his gaze, then down at the cuffs still locked around his wrists.“If you’re going to lock someone up, you should stay with them.”“…….”Jung Woojin sighed, running a bloodied hand through his hair. His expression was full of restrained anger, and just as he was about to say something, my phone vibrated again. Gritting his teeth, he snatched the phone from my hand and glanced at the screen.He stared at the continuously vibrating phone for a moment before answering it.“Hello.”His voice, low and hoarse, seemed to resonate in my ears.“Yeah, I’m fine.”“…….”“After a bit of sleep, some memories started coming back. We were supposed to go to the orphanage together today, but I think my brother forgot.”“…….”Jung Woojin glanced at me as he spoke calmly. At first, I thought I had misheard him. Brother? Orphanage? Did I mention an orphanage before?“I think going there will help me remember faster.”“…….”“I’ll visit in a few days. I need to go out now, so can I call you back later?”Even after hanging up, he remained silent for a while, staring at me without blinking. I felt like I was being pummeled under his gaze. His face had gone pale, but his eyes were growing red, making him look like a demon straight out of hell.“Have we known each other since we were kids?”I wondered if his memory had returned, given the mention of the orphanage. But it seemed he wasn’t fully there yet. As I hesitated, thinking of how to respond, Jung Woojin asked another question.“So, how did we end up dating?”“……”“You hated me, didn’t you?”“What?”When I questioned him, Jung Woojin tilted his head to the side.“I think I really hated you too.”“What did you say?”“How did we end up living together?”“……”I couldn’t tell if he was asking me or talking to himself. I didn’t know what to say, so after a few hesitant moments, I asked him.“How much do you remember?”“How much is ‘how much’?”“……”“Does that matter right now?”His sharp tone made me sigh. It seemed pointless to ask anything else since he clearly wasn’t going to answer, so I just replied the way he wanted.“You want to know how we ended up living together? I told you yesterday.”“Told me what? That I raped you?”“So you don’t remember that.”“Does it make sense to live with someone who raped you, if you hate them?”I couldn’t help but frown at his words.“Why do you keep saying I hated you? I never hated you.”“Then why didn’t you come for me?”“……”I didn’t need to ask when; I knew exactly what he was talking about. Since I didn’t say anything, Jung Woojin asked again.“If it wasn’t because you hated me, was it because you liked me?”“……”“You said you never hated me?”His voice grew louder. He was trembling, and his eyes were red, as if he was about to cry, yet he was angry. He looked like a scared animal, trying to act fierce out of fear.“You never answered when I called you. You didn’t look at me, even though I followed you around. You weren’t like that before…”As he yelled, his voice gradually quieted.“You weren’t like that… Why… When did it change…?”Jung Woojin seemed desperate to figure out why. I reached out my hand, and the moment it touched his shoulder, he flinched and recoiled in shock. Then, as if realizing something, he quickly grabbed my wrist with an urgent expression. The cuffs clanked together.As if one hand wasn’t enough, he reached out with the other, intertwining his fingers with mine. His hands trembled like leaves in the wind.“What did I do wrong?”The voice that had been loud just moments ago came out weak and hushed, so quiet that I could barely hear it. With his head lowered, he continued, his voice sounding like it would break.“If you had just told me… I would’ve fixed it.”“……”“If you had just told me once…”His head was bowed, so I couldn’t see his face, but with each word, droplets of water fell to the floor.“I wanted to apologize. I waited, only thinking about that. I wanted to say I was sorry, but then I fell asleep…”“You didn’t do anything wrong.”“Then why did you do that to me?”His voice, tinged with tears, was painful to hear. Every time he gripped my hand tighter, my vision blurred.“It wasn’t because you did anything wrong.”“You weren’t like that at first.”I wanted to say something, but the words kept getting stuck in my throat. It had been more than 20 years. My memories of the orphanage were filled with painful moments, so I couldn’t recall them clearly anymore.“I don’t remember everything…”At my words, Jung Woojin lifted his head and looked at me. His dark, tear-filled eyes trembled dangerously. I continued, finally voicing something I had never said before.“I think I was scared of you.”I came to the orphanage for a common reason. My family was dirt poor, and my parents, who I can hardly remember now, would yell and fight every time our eyes met. Neither my father nor my mother hated me. In my faint memories, I could still see their smiles when they looked at me. We shared meals with my favorite dishes, and sometimes they even read books to me. On the rare occasion my father got paid, they’d buy me clothes.We were just poor. There were good days, but the bad ones far outnumbered them, and eventually, my parents couldn’t hold on any longer.Like any child, I believed that it didn’t matter if we were poor, as long as we stayed together. Even if we were huddled together in a freezing house, with empty stomachs, I would have been happy. But that was wishful thinking.Being abandoned by my parents was devastating. I thought I’d overheard them saying they’d come for me, but now I wasn’t sure if that was even a real memory. It might have been something I made up to keep myself going, a false hope that they would return for me, because without that belief, I couldn’t have survived.I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so I tried to become more hardened, more resilient. I thought that was what it meant to be strong. If I acted like I wasn’t hurt, if I didn’t cry, I thought I would become tougher. If I could numb myself, maybe the loneliness at night wouldn’t hurt so much.Kim Woojin lived with the corpse of his dead mother for several days before he was found and brought to the orphanage. He was so fragile, always crying, always saying he missed his mother. Maybe I thought I was stronger than him.When Kim Woojin cried for his mother, I’d comfort him, saying I didn’t feel that way. If he couldn’t do something, I’d pretend I could, even though I couldn’t. It was fine up to that point. But things changed when Kim Woojin started making friends with the other kids.Separation always comes when you don’t want it to. Even if you’re not ready, when the other person wants to leave, you have no choice but to let go.My parents didn’t hate me, but they left me at the orphanage. Even if someone says they love you, that doesn’t last forever. People can still leave you, even if they care.In relationships, my feelings didn’t seem to matter.“I was scared you’d leave. You seemed like you could live just fine without me.”“No, that’s not true. I never thought that. Really.”“…”“You didn’t like me, hyung.”“What?”When I questioned him, Jung Woojin tilted his head to the side.“I think I didn’t like you either.”“What are you saying?”“How did we end up living together?”“…”I couldn’t tell if he was asking me or talking to himself. I didn’t know how to respond, so I just moved my lips a few times before finally asking.“How much do you remember?”“What do you mean ‘how much’?”“…”“Does it matter right now?”His tone was confrontational, and I let out a sigh. I didn’t think he’d answer anything else I asked, so I decided to respond how he wanted.“You’re asking how we ended up living together? I told you yesterday.”“About what? That I raped you?”“So you don’t remember that, huh.”“Does it make sense for someone to live with a person who raped them, even if they hated them?”I couldn’t help but frown at that.“Why do you keep saying I hated you? I never did.”“Then why didn’t you come for me?”“…”I didn’t need to ask when— I knew exactly what he was talking about. When I didn’t respond, Jung Woojin asked again.“If it wasn’t because you hated me, was it because you liked me?”“…”“So you never hated me?”His voice rose, trembling, and his eyes were red as if he was about to cry. He was angry, like a frightened animal lashing out to hide its fear.“You didn’t answer when I called for you. You wouldn’t even look at me when I followed you around. You weren’t like that before…”His voice, which had been filled with frustration, gradually grew quieter.“You weren’t like that before. When did it start…?”Watching Jung Woojin desperately trying to make sense of things, I reached out. But when my hand touched his shoulder, he flinched back as if startled. The moment my hand fell away from his shoulder, he quickly looked up and grabbed my wrist with an urgent expression. The sound of the handcuffs clinking together echoed.As if one hand wasn’t enough, he reached out with his other hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. His hands were trembling like leaves in the wind.“What did I do wrong?”Just moments ago, his voice had been loud, but now it was barely a whisper. He sounded defeated, like a criminal confessing his sins.“If you had told me, I would have fixed it…”“…”“If you had just told me once…”I couldn’t see Jung Woojin’s face clearly as he kept his head bowed, but I noticed the occasional teardrop fall to the floor every time he forced his words out.“I wanted to apologize. I kept waiting, thinking only of how to apologize, but I fell asleep…”“You didn’t do anything wrong.”“Then why did you treat me like that?”His voice cracked with tears, and I felt dizzy from the way his hands gripped mine as if his life depended on it.“It wasn’t because you did anything wrong.”“You weren’t like that at first.”I should have said something, but the words wouldn’t come out. It was something that had happened more than 20 years ago. My memories of the orphanage were full of bad ones, and even those were too faded to be clear.“I don’t remember it well…”Jung Woojin lifted his head to look at me when I said that. His dark, tear-filled eyes wavered as I continued speaking—words I had never spoken out loud before.“I think I was scared of you.”The reason I ended up at the orphanage was nothing unusual. My family was dirt poor, and my parents, whose faces I could barely remember, fought every time they laid eyes on each other. They didn’t hate me. I have vague memories of them smiling at me. We would eat meals together, they’d read to me when they had time, and sometimes, when my dad got his paycheck, they’d even buy me clothes.But we were just poor. There were good days, but the bad days far outweighed them, and eventually, my parents couldn’t take it anymore.Back then, like many kids, I thought being together was good, even if we were poor. I didn’t care if we were huddled together in a freezing house with empty stomachs—I just wanted us to be together. But that was impossible.Being abandoned by my parents—of course it was a shock. I vaguely remember them saying they’d come get me, but I’m not sure if that’s a real memory or just something I made up to comfort myself.I had to harden myself, so I wouldn’t get hurt anymore. I thought being strong meant pretending not to feel pain and never crying, even when I was sad. I thought that if I dulled my feelings, the sadness would go away.Kim Woojin lived with his dead mother’s body for days before he was rescued and brought to the orphanage. He was fragile, always crying, and constantly said he missed his mom. Maybe I thought I was stronger than him, but I was wrong.When Kim Woojin cried for his mom, I told him not to. When he couldn’t do something, I’d pretend I knew how to do it, even though I didn’t. That was fine at first. But once Kim Woojin started getting along with other kids, that’s when problems started.Separation always happens when the other person wants it, not you. My parents left me behind, even though they didn’t hate me. Maybe they still loved me when they left, but that didn’t change anything. People can still leave, even if they love you.In relationships, my feelings didn’t matter.“I thought you might leave me too. You seemed like you could survive without me.”“I wouldn’t. I never once thought of leaving, I swear.”“It was just something I thought.”“How could you think that?”“I knew. I just felt like one day it would happen, so I acted first.”Looking back, I wonder why I was so pathetic back then.All the sounds of the world faded away, and all I could hear was Jung Woojin crying. I couldn’t even muster up an apology in the face of his heart-wrenching sobs.No matter the reason or the situation, Jung Woojin had done nothing wrong. Back then, he was just like me—lonely and in need of someone to lean on. The difference between us was that Jung Woojin, despite being fragile, was much stronger than me. I was just a coward trying to be tough.“I’m sorry,” Jung Woojin whispered, pressing his forehead against the back of my hand. His voice, like his hands, was shaking.“I never hated you, not even once, Sunbae.”“I know.”“I tried to hate you, but I couldn’t. My whole life, I tried to hate you, but I couldn’t.”Before meeting me again, Jung Woojin had lived those years replaying those memories. Just living together for a few years wasn’t going to erase them. Even though our situation was different now, his wounds weren’t something that could heal so easily. Even if they eventually did, the scars would remain forever.“I’m sorry.”I was the one who should be apologizing, yet Jung Woojin kept saying it over and over. He mumbled something else, but it was drowned out by his sobbing. I knew why he kept apologizing.“I try so hard to forget… I barely remember now, but then I thought of it again…”He rambled incoherently, and I reached out. When I lifted his chin, his tear-soaked face came into view. Despite everything, he looked unbearably lovely, and it hurt my heart.“Just remember it.”For almost 20 years, Jung Woojin had lived in darkness without me. Those memories weren’t going to fade after just a couple of years. Even in 10 years, or even after another 20 years, those memories might still be vivid, as if they had just happened. It wouldn’t be strange if it stayed that way until the day he died.“Don’t force yourself to forget. If it comes to mind, just think about it.”“I’m sorry.”“Don’t apologize. If you remember, cry. If you don’t remember, just live your life. And when you do remember, cry again. It’s okay to hate me.”“I don’t hate you. I told you, I don’t.”Jung Woojin spoke with an exasperated expression, as if he couldn’t stand the idea of me misunderstanding. I held his wet cheeks gently, resting my forehead against his.“I know. I’m just saying, if someday you do start to hate me, don’t feel guilty about it.”Even if he started to hate me now, nothing would change. Even if something did change, I wasn’t the same child anymore, waiting for someone to come for me.I kissed his wet eyelids, and Jung Woojin closed his eyes. He had cried so much that his tears didn’t even taste salty anymore. Looking at his exhausted face, I suddenly thought of something.“You didn’t eat anything yesterday, did you?”I had at least eaten a few bites of ramen, but Jung Woojin hadn’t eaten anything except water. Seeing him cry so much, I figured he’d collapse if he didn’t get some food in him. I pulled my hands away from his face, but Jung Woojin immediately wrapped his arms around my waist.“Let me go so we can get you something to eat.”I pushed him off and turned around, but Jung Woojin weakly clung to my back again. With every step, he stuck to me, making it uncomfortable, but I couldn’t shake him off. His face pressed into my shoulder, and my clothes started to feel damp.We eventually made it to the kitchen, where we stood still, doing nothing. I asked, “You’ve regained all your memories, haven’t you?”“…Yes.”“Since when?”“Just now…”I’d suspected as much when he started talking about Sunbae earlier, but it still felt sudden. I was relieved that his memories returned much faster than I expected.Hearing him continue to sniffle without stopping, I glanced down. His arms were wrapped tightly around my waist. On one hand, there was still a handcuff, and his injured hand, scabbed over, was swollen and turning red.As I touched the knuckles of his hurt hand, Jung Woojin spoke up.“I really don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you.”“…”“I mean it.”Whether it was true or not, it wasn’t what mattered. I didn’t say anything, thinking he’d start crying again if I did, and simply grabbed his wrist. It was hard to pry him off as his arms tightened around me.“Try moving your hand.”“Why?”“Move all ten fingers and rotate your wrist a bit.”At my request, Jung Woojin moved his fingers and rotated his wrist a couple of times. Fortunately, it didn’t seem like any bones were broken. Judging by the handcuffs still on, it looked like he had broken the bedhead or something, but I didn’t have the courage to check the room.His red, swollen hand seemed to be getting darker in color, and I sighed. As I did, Jung Woojin snuggled back into me. The force of his body pushed me onto the edge of the kitchen table.“I’m sorry,” he said.“I’m sorry, too.”“Huh?”Jung Woojin, about to say something, looked up at me. He gave me a puzzled look, then opened his mouth like he’d remembered something.“You mean about the business card?”“What business card?”I tilted my head in confusion at his sudden remark, and Jung Woojin frowned.“You received a business card.”“What business card…? No, not that…”I raised my hand to cover my eyes, suddenly realizing what he was talking about. I couldn’t believe he was bringing that up in this situation.“But why were you with those people there?”“…”“I missed you so much I went looking for you, but you were with those drunk people…”