The lycan queen

Recap;:-

"I think this through, the bottom line is I am fighting a battle, and it's within me. I know you care so much for your friend. I just want to be able to think clearly rather than having the mate bond cloud my sense of judgement. This story may not be true, but it is true for me because that's what I am passing through. Please try to understand because I know that if you understand, Sarah will too." he, says and left, leaving me mouth agape and thinking.

Due to thinking too much, I ended up changing back to my human form and went straight to the room Alpha Nolan had allowed me to stay in since being here.

One thing is for sure, there's more to Alec than meets the eye.

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They say that fear cuts deeper than a sword, that hope is the only thing that is stronger than fear.

Where does that leave me? Betrayal is defined as the breaking of someone's trust. Quite honestly, it's much deeper than just that. It feels like a knife has been taken and stabbed in my heart.

Over and over.

Sarah has been my friend since I could remember. Goddess, she was my only friend and best friend. Never in a million years, would I have suspected her to be such a person, a betrayal. F**k, I did not even know she knew about 'the word'. Let alone be able to betray someone, me to be exact.

Thinking about her, made my heart feel like it was left up in the air.

Vulnerable, Useless.

I suddenly felt a pull within me, like someone was waking me up, drawing my soul back to my body. You know that expression of bringing something back to life? That's how it feels.

I've been alone, I don't know for how long.

Ohh hell yes! I know that feeling mayn! I am going through it. It's been 8:26 pm and I have been crying and missing her since I woke up in the morning (say 10 am). And the feeling is terrible. I mean my heart is literally aching! I can't see her. I can't text her. I can't call her. I can't tell her how much I miss her. It's just getting worse! The thought that I cannot message her, not even a single text, makes me so weak! I am literally feeling the pain and a sense of weakness in my body. She was the one I thought of as my bestie. I loved her for 7 long years. 7 years, I am the only one who showed that she meant everything to me because I have no one else, and 6 years of long-distance and short-distance friendship. Never have I ever got a chance to be with her in the same environment and still be far from her as well. Because of the distance factor. We never sat and spoke to each other face to face since she woke up. Yes, you hear me right, she's awake. I managed to close my eyes around 7:38am, only to be woken up around 10am by Sophia. She literally shrinks with excitement before shouting "Sarah is awake" on top of her lungs.

I didn't even bother to freshen up, just jumped and marched straight to the hospital like a mad woman to see her.

We had plans on how we would study this week to get ready for next week's exams, since we're in different packs. But plans changed, I guess. 

We planned to only and only do virtual conversations, i.e. only texting. No call or video call. We thought we should study now and calls and video calls can be done anytime. We thought we should work so hard that we could get a college in the same city and there's no need for video calls and phone calls, we could see each other every day for real!

But I got the shock of my life when, upon getting to her room door, I overheard her talking with someone.

"Why do you want to reject me?" Sarah asked, choking on her sob.

With that question I can guess she was talking to Alec, her mate.

"I'm just glad you're alive. I can't leave the guilt of killing you if you never woke up." He said, obviously avoiding her initial question.

"You still haven't answered my question" that's my girl. 

"Look, I don't want to reject you and I don't want to accept you either." 

"Why?! Am I not good enough?" 

"Yes you are, it's not you but me. I've explained it to Crya since you were in a coma and I believe she'll tell you." 

"Why tell her and not me? Am your mate."

"Yes I know, but I can't just start saying it over again, just ask her am sure she'll tell you."

I was about to open the door to surprise her, when I heard what made me shade tears.

"Why do you care about her? She's my friend, not yours." 

"Calm down" 

"Don't tell me to calm down! Did you sleep with her?"

"No.....no....."

"That slut dared to seduce you. That's why you're telling her your biggest secret that you can't even tell your mate." 

I turned around, making sure that there was no one in the hallway to hear this.

"She's just a loser. I try to be friends with her and you leave me for her."

I couldn't hold it anymore, so I pushed the door. Looking at both her and her mate.

I managed to make up a few words, so I said "Is this how you really feel about me?"

"Crya" she said, with wild eyes filled with tears, and before she could say another word, I turned and left.

I thought "one day" would come and that day we could do all those things that best friends do. We've just sacrificed everything for that one day. And now! Haha! Our relationship is sacrificed! And that day still didn't come.

it is one of the most painful things in life to miss someone...

Everytime you miss someone, there's a silent ache in your heart which is definitely unbearable...

And the saddest part of missing comes when you know the person is somewhere on this earth but still you can not meet her. You can not look into her eyes and explain how badly you want them at that point of time...

Even though we have so many ways to connect with someone, but the thirst of meeting in person will never vanish via messaging or calls or even video calls .

Believe or not, those video calls somewhere make you more weak inside, knowing the fact that you can not touch her, you can not hold her hands. You have to see her face in 5 inch screen, that's it.. thats the small gift you have received from technology ..

But merely texting will not help. All you wish is to close your eyes and then when you open it you want them to be in front of you and that's what will kill you inside .

What it feels like (uffff) is not easy to describe in words.

Recalling something about the person, you happen to laugh and in no time, sometimes even as you laugh, you taste your own tears.

The more you want to avoid the thoughts of that person at that time, the more thoughts pop up in your mind . Sometimes you want to cry out loud, and sometimes you will feel like sitting quiet and just recall those moments when you spend some beautiful moments with her.

Nothing will excite you, not even your favourite things . You will search for and consume everything that can erase their thoughts.

And belive me your life will appear worse than anything.

Everything that brought a smile to your face will now torture you. Every little thing will make you scared, insecure. You will do everything to calm your frustration, but nothing will help you...

And sometimes, even when you talk with that person, you will be frustrated with the fact that you can not meet and have a normal conversation ...

Missing someone is the sweetest yet the most heart-breaking pain ...

I remember the first letter I wrote to her because I didn't have any other means to describe how else it happened:

I remember each word like it was yesterday. 

It was our junior year in high school, and I was walking across the practice field to go join my fellow percussionists when I stopped dead in my tracks. For some reason unknown to me at the time, I had an overwhelming urge to look over to my left. When I turned my head, that's when I saw you standing there in all of your perfection. You were in a group of other pack kids just talking, but I could sense there was something different about you.

You were absolutely oblivious to the fact that those around you seemed to hang on your every word. In my mind, I didn't think you knew just how much effect you had on others, and it was at that moment I decided that I needed to be your friend. And that was the day my life changed forever. At first, we had the typical "new friends" conversations but eventually we kind of just effortlessly turned into best friends.

There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk. Whether it was at lunch or when we were at home, it was one of the first times I felt like someone actually cared about me. You opened up your heart to me and loved me unconditionally. You were my inspiration to follow my guts and I can never thank you enough for that.

From the moment that I had a breakdown and told you that I didn't want to live, a moment, you didn't run away. In fact, you held on and told me that you loved me and didn't want me to die and, for the first time that I can remember, I felt love. That is the greatest gift I ever received. You held my hand and offered a shoulder to cry on in the darkest of times. You've always been and always will be a constant source of love and laughter in my life.

My biggest wish in life is for you to realize just how much you are loved. For you to realize just how amazing and awe-inspiring you truly are. You are by far one of the greatest people I know. The fact that I got to know you and call you my best friend is an honor.

So, all in all, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my friend, my rock. For being one of the only people who understands me and knows what I've been through and still chooses to love me even when I don't love myself. You've seen me at my worst, and you didn't back away like everybody else. You have no clue how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

At those moments when I wanted nothing more than to die, you gave me a reason to live, and that's the greatest gift I've ever gotten. So I'm sorry if I'm a bit crazy and annoying, it's just I care for you so much, and I don't know how to fully express it; hopefully this suffices. Thanks for being in my life and not leaving me when so many others have. You always have and always will be my other half. You are one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, and I can't wait for more adventures with you.

It is such a pity she forgot about these things, and chose to hate me because of a man after all we've been through.

Despite the pain and everything, I decided to let it all go, including her.